Happy Mother’s Day horror fans! Today I wanted to bring you a list of some memorable not-so-motherly mothers in horror to celebrate this day! Hopefully your own mothers are as wonderful as mine is, and aren’t like the mothers who follow!

1. Pamela Voorhees– One of the most memorable murderous mothers in horror, in Friday the 13th Mrs. Voorhees sliced and diced her way through a bunch of camp counselors in revenge for letting her son drown. It didn’t matter that these particular counselors had nothing to do with it- obviously all camp counselors are irresponsible from her point of view and deserve to die! She was just watching out for her very special son, Jason, so in actuality she was a pretty good mom.

2. Mrs. White– Now, in Carrie, Mrs. White didn’t actually murder anyone per se, but she might as well get the blame as she was one of the main culprits in driving her daughter, Carrie, crazy. Now obviously her awful peers pushed her over the edge, but Mrs. White’s brand of punishment was not the best choice for any child, especially a telekinetic one. No child should be locked in a closet, be forbidden from expressing herself, and be forbidden from going to a school dance…. And she especially failed in teaching Carrie about the basic biology of being a woman. Without her support it was just a matter of time before Carrie acted out, and when you have the powers that Carrie did, it just leads to unheard of destruction.

3. Mrs. Cosgrove– Another memorable mother, the mother in Braindead (aka Dead Alive) wins the contest for one of the grossest mothers in horror. After she’s bitten by a disgusting rat monkey, she becomes infected with a horrible disease that causes her body parts to fall off, then dies and becomes a zombie, and then something even more horrible. She is a manipulative mother in life, and in death isn’t any better.

4. Mrs. Bates– While Mrs. Bates doesn’t actually appear in Psycho, we can gather that she wasn’t the best mother in the world, even though Norman states that “a boy’s best friend is his mother”. The character of Mrs. Bates is memorable nonetheless whether she’s a he, and actually a split personality of her son, or the skeletal version of herself.

5. Mrs. Morgan– While not having too much of a role in The Ring, Samara’s mother stands out to me as another not-so-great mother. While Samara may have been evil, killing your daughter and throwing her body in a well is probably not the best solution to the problem. Now stuck in an eerie killer video, the problem of Samara’s evil has just been exacerbated.

6. Dr. Dakota Block– Leaving your son alone In a car with a gun is probably not the most responsible thing to do, and the mother dearly pays in Planet Terror. One should never leave their child with a loaded weapon- they just might blow their head off. Not very good parenting!!

7. Diane Freeling– The mother in Poltergeist is actually a pretty good mother, the most motherly on this list probably, but she does a couple irresponsible things in Poltergeist that stand out. Smoking pot in bed with your children in the house is probably a big no-no, and also using your daughter when experimenting with strange phenomena is not the best idea… Even though it looked super fun!

What mothers stand out to you in horror films? We’d love to know!!

Happy Saturday all you lovers of the macabre!

Last week, Emily named some honorable mentions to whet your grisly appetites for our 2012 pick for best horror movie. There were some great picks in there, but we think this one trumps all the others hands down.

The Cabin in the Woods (directed by Drew Goddard) 

Source: IMDB

Source: IMDB

Here are my reasons why this movie reigns supreme for best horror movie of 2012:

It Keeps you Guessing

Released on April 13, 2012 with the tagline, “You think you know the story”, The Cabin in the Woods (written by Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon, creator of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series) leaves you guessing from the opening scene of the movie.

The movie opens with two lab geeks (Richard Jenkins of Stepbrothers and Bradley Whitford of The West Wing) having a seemingly mundane conversation. I saw this in theaters and remember thinking that I might have walked into the wrong movie theater because these two guys seemed to have nothing at all to do with a scary movie. A few seconds later my confusion was dispelled when the movie title splashed across the screen in large red letters. Okay, I had walked into the right theater after all.

The Cabin in the Woods quickly switches gear, and focuses on the main character, Dana (Kristen Connolly) who is readying herself for a weekend away with four friends at a cabin in the woods. Aussie hottie Chris Hemsworth plays Curt, female Aussie hottie Anna Hutchinson plays Jules, pothead Marty is played by the awesome Fran Kranz, and Jesse Williams plays the sweet good guy, Holden.

The five college students head out of town on their backwoods adventure, and that’s when things start getting downright weird. An eagle soars over a canyon, smacks into an invisible electric barrier, and plummets to its death. The two lab geeks make more appearances as the plot unfolds, and you wonder what the heck they have to do with the cabin in the woods. The five friends stop for gas at a rundown shithole of a gas station in the middle of nowhere and are warned of their doom by a creepy, tobacco chewing redneck. They ignore him as young folks always do in horror movies, and head on to their destination. When they arrive at the cabin, that’s when things really start getting weird.

And still you wonder, where is this movie going? Well, I won’t tell you because it’s so bizarre and well-crafted that it will be ruined unless you watch it for yourself. But on to the other reasons this movie is so awesome…

Comedic Element

It can be difficult indeed for a horror movie to successfully straddle the line between scary and comedic but The Cabin in the Woods does just that, and with excellent results. There are many elements of suspense in the movie where you’ll find you’re bracing yourself for something horrific to happen. However, these scary moments are balanced by moments of lightheartedness.

Marty, who reminds me of a human version of Shaggy from Scooby Doo, is perfect for the role of the silly, but sage stoner. He may be high, but he also sees things that no one else is picking up on.

In fact, there are several ways in which The Cabin in the Woods reminds me of one of my all-time favorite movies, Scream. It’s got the comedy/horror juxtaposition, it pokes fun at some of the horror movie stereotypes as this movie also does, and Marty reminds me quite a bit of Scream‘s Randy.

Source: A.V. Club

Source: A.V. Club

It Offers Something Fresh

The horror movie genre has been pretty well picked over, and there hasn’t been a lot of innovation in recent years. We’re seeing a lot of remakes of old movies and redundant plot lines, and it’s just gotten…stale.

Enter The Cabin in the Woods. I guarantee this plot hasn’t been done before….

Creativity

In my opinion, this might be the most creative horror movie I’ve ever seen. The plot is out there and far-fetched but enjoyable, and in what other movie would you see homicidal unicorns, maniacal clowns, unhinged child ballerinas, redneck zombies, masked murderers, and a merman all in one place? I’ve gotta hand it to The Cabin in the Woods–it seamlessly connects a plethora of unconnected horror genres together into one big masterpiece.

Source: Dinosaur Dracula

Source: Dinosaur Dracula

293

Source: Dinosaur Dracula

76

Source: Dinosaur Dracula

Effects

The movie, shot in Vancouver, Canada, had a budget of $30 million and more than 60 artists worked on the effects before filming even began. The awesome special effects brings all the blood, guts, and fear to life in a tangible way.

Element of the Unexpected

I’m going to be vague so as not to ruin the movie for those of you who haven’t seen it, but suffice it to say, the movie breaks a lot of “rules”. No one is “safe” and don’t assume you know how the movie is going to end. I’ve seen a lot of horror movies but this one definitely went in an unexpected direction. And I loved it!

There’s so much more I could say about this movie, but not without giving it away.  If you haven’t seen The Cabin in the Woods, watch it and let us know what you think!  If you have, do you agree or disagree with our pick as best horror movie of 2012? Let us know, we love to hear from you!

R

Happy Saturday horror fans!

It’s almost 5 months into 2013, but since we were chained up for that year and couldn’t get to a computer, we are getting to this post a little late. Better late then never though!  Today I’m going to tell you about a few of my favorite horror films of 2012. Rebecca will be here next week to tell you what her favorite horror film of 2012 was! (P.S. It’s my favorite as well!)

The Woman in Black (directed by James Watkins)

The Woman in Black

Source: impawards.com

It’s very rare that I actually feel scared when watching a horror film. As much as I love them, I have seen so many that I seem to be immune from the feeling of fear I used to get as a kid. The Woman in Black was the first film in a long time to actually get under my skin. The combination of the huge, crumbling mansion, creepy old woman ghost, really disturbing dolls, dead kids, and the foggy setting on the moors of England, made this a highly enjoyable experience for me. Now I just have to see the original!

Sinister (directed by Scott Derrickson)

Sinister

Source: impawards.com

The second film of 2012 to get under my skin! I guess it wasn’t such a bad year for horror! Ethan Hawke stars as a true crime author who moves into a house where some murders have taken place and stumbles on more than he bargained for! This movie kept me guessing, and I liked where it led to. Like The Woman in Black, creepy children play a part (I just love those little creeps!), and although this took place in a suburban house rather than a run-down mansion, it was still haunting. I loved that this was a different take on the found footage sub-genre- instead of being found footage, its about the discovery of found footage. Pretty unique!

The Collection (directed by Marcus Dunstan)

The Collection

Source: impawards.com

I loved the first film in this series, and had high hopes for its sequel, and luckily it didn’t disappoint. This film primarily takes place in the collector’s lair, and as you’d expect, he’s decked it out with insane traps, including those pesky bear traps. High energy, gory, and never boring, this is a plain old good, bloody time.

The Loved Ones (directed by Sean Byrne)

The Loved Ones

Source: impawards.com

So technically this is not a 2012 film, but rather a 2009 film, but it didn’t get a U.S. release until this year, so in my mind that counts! This tale of a deranged high school girl who decides to kidnap someone to be her date for prom was extremely well made, moving, brutal, and has the best ending of any movie I’ve seen in recent memory.

Rabies (directed by Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado)

Rabies

Source: impawards.com

Another film that did not gain a U.S. release until this year, Rabies is actually the first horror film out of Israel, and it is a great one! Good job Israel! When this movie began I was pretty sure I knew where it was heading as it begins like many horror movies before it, but it quickly veered off in the best of ways, and kept me on my toes throughout the entire movie. It was quite hard to watch at times due to the disturbing nature of certain scenes, and the gruesomeness of it, but there were also some darkly comedic spots throughout which helped to give a little breather. This film is definitely worth a watch!

Seen all of those films already? Here are a few more to check out: The Awakening (directed by Nick Murphy), Citadel (directed by Ciaran Foy), The Hole (directed by Joe Dante), Lovely Molly (directed by Eduardo Sanchez), The Pact (directed by Nicholas McCarthy), Paranormal Activity 4 (directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman), SilentHouse (directed by Chris Kentis and Laura Lau), and Sleep Tight (directed by Jaume Balaguero)

Source: The People's Movies

Source: The People’s Movies

Source: Forces of Geek
Source: Forces of Geek

Evil Dead has come a long way since Sam Raimi’s 1981 cult classic.

The premise is the same: five twenty-somethings travel to a cabin in the woods and unknowingly release an ancient evil. But I’d say that’s about where the similarities stop.

I may offend some people outright by not automatically expressing my allegiance for the original. But in truth, I’d say these two versions are a bit of a toss-up.  There are elements of both that I really enjoyed, and I would say that neither is better than the other. In fact, I think a hybrid of the two would have been best. Here’s what I think horror fans who have seen the original will appreciate versus maybe not appreciate so much.

Evil Dead (2013), Directed by Fede Alvarez

Why you’ll like this one

  • It’s got gore, gore, and more gore. I’ve seen a lot of horror movies and I’d say this is one of the bloodiest, nastiest ones I’ve seen. I think true horror lovers will find it to be a welcome improvement on the original, which had its moments but its special effects certainly couldn’t be called realistic. Alvarez’s rendition, riddled with self-mutilation and oceans of blood, is not for the feint of heart.
  • These demons are pretty freaking scary. Unlike the characters who were possessed in the 1981 classic and were almost comical, these demons are a bit terrifying. They don’t really taunt (except for Mia, on occasion), they attack their targets with a cold, dead persistence, more like a zombie. The suspense factor is elevated in the remake. And on a side note, I have to give props for the casting of Mia. Jane Levy is perfect for this role, which was originally given to Lily Collins. I like Lily and all, but I think casting her in this role would have been a big mistake.
  • There’s a little more to the story line. In the original, the group of friends heads to the cabin for a fun weekend in the woods. In the remake, the motivation for the trip is to rid Mia of her drug habit and support her through her difficult withdrawal. This addition adds to the film.  It gives others reason to doubt Mia’s crazy rants about seeing a girl in the woods and being attacked by trees. They don’t run when they hear this, they simply think the withdrawal is causing her to lose it and she’s looking for any reason to leave.

Why you may not like this one

  • It doesn’t have Bruce Campbell in it. I mean come on– Bruce Campbell is pretty much synonymous with the Evil Dead franchise. It’s hard to envision the movie without him. Shiloh Fernandez, the lead male character in the 2013 version is cute and all, but he doesn’t have the presence that Campbell does. In fact, he’s pretty boring.
  • The “summoning” scene is totally lame. Now, I know this is a matter of opinion, but I think the original did a much better job with the incantation of the demons. The premise of the original is that some friends drive to a remote cabin whose previous owner was a professor, and stumble upon the Necromicon (Book of the Dead) and the professor’s recordings. On the recordings it becomes clear that the professor was working to translate passages from the book, and in speaking the translated words, he unwittingly released total evil. In the remake, Eric, who finds the book, reads the words out loud even though it’s completely obvious that he should not! I think the original definitely gets kudos for creativity, and the remake falls short here.
  • The movie oversells itself. Case in point: the tagline. Here are both below:

             1981 tagline: They got up on the wrongs side of the grave.

             2013 tagline: The most terrifying film you will ever experience.

I don’t think anyone who sees the remake will agree with the preview tagline–this is NOT the most terrifying film you will ever experience. Putting it out there like that so confidently gave me high expectations and I wouldn’t call this movie “scary” at all. Gross? Yes. Suspenseful? Yes. Freaky? Yes. Scary, no.

Anyway, that’s my two cents. Both movies are awesome in their own right and up there on my list of favorites. Which one did YOU prefer? Let us know!

R

Interesting Facts

  • In the 2013 remake, the first letters of the five characters’ names (David, Eric, Mia, Olivia, and Natalie) spell out DEMON.
  • The original budget was an estimated $375,000, while the remake budget was an estimated $17,000,000. Slight difference, huh?

 

 

Chances are, if you are a college student, your spring break has already passed, and hopefully you have survived…

But, if by any chance you have not gone away yet, or need some guidance for next year, we wanted to give you a warning about some places you should avoid if you want to come back intact!

australia

Source: australiaadventures.com

1. Australia- Definitely avoid Australia! Sure, it’s beautiful. There are plenty of beaches, surfing, beautiful people, and awesome accents, but there are many dangers lurking in this country that spell disaster for all you spring-breakers. If you plan on taking a road trip across the continent you might be kidnapped and tortured by a sick and twisted man, like in Wolf Creek, or you may end up stalked by a crazy truck driving serial killer a la Road Games. If you decide to avoid the road and explore the water instead, you might become the victim of an angry crocodile as in Black Water and Rogue. Or if you take your chances in the outback you’ll want to avoid the vicious wild boars (Razorback), and even Mother Nature herself (Long Weekend). Danger lurks around every corner.

Shark Fin

Source: surfersvillage.com

2. Any Body of Water- Going somewhere warm and close to the water is a very popular spring break destination. Don’t do it!!!! Oceans, lakes, pools…. these are all terrible places to vacation! Want to be a victim of a shark attack (Jaws, Open Water, The Reef)? Or a victim of other man-eating water-dwelling creatures (Piranha, Lake Placid)? Well. okay then, if that’s your cup of tea…go for it! Think you’ll be safer in a pool? Think again. You might be sucked to the bottom, and have your intestines pulled out of your body (The Final Destination), or end up swimming with a pile of skeletons (Poltergeist)!  Water=danger!

mexico

Source: worldexpeditions.com

3. Mexico- Mexico seems like another warm and tropical place to go! There are all sorts of interesting things to do, but again- don’t do it!!! Seeing ancient Mayan ruins may seem like an exciting adventure, until you become the victim of man-eating plants whose curse turns the locals against you (The Ruins). If you decide to avoid visiting ancient ruins, and instead hang out in town, beware, as you may get kidnapped, tortured, and sacrified by a crazy cult (Borderland).  Mexico not only has man-eating plants and cults, but you’d also want to avoid the cannibals (We Are What We Are) and even aliens (Monsters) if you want to make it home alive!

islands

Source: tripadvisor.com

4. Islands around the world- Sure, the seclusion of an island sounds ideal for a lot of people. You can get away from it all, and not be connected to the craziness of the mainland, but that peaceful seclusion could quickly turn to dangerous isolation! Killer kids (Who Can Kill a Child?), insane religious cults (The Wicker Man), crazy scientists (Island of Lost Souls, The Island of Dr. Moreau), and deranged rednecks (Storm Warning), are just some of the horrific situations that may await you. You won’t appreciate the secluded surroundings for long!

Source: discoveramerica.com

5. Louisiana- Sure, there are many places in the US to avoid (i.e. Texas and West Virginia), but I think Louisiana is the one to avoid. Sure, you may go want to go for the delicious food, parade-like atmosphere, fun music scene or historic architecture, but not only do you have the threat of voodoo and hoodoo going against you (The Skeleton Key), but you also have Satanic cults to avoid (The Last Exorcism), more rednecks and hungry crocodiles (Eaten Alive), and deformed creatures looking for revenge (Hatchet).

So there you have it! Five places to avoid on spring break. So where are you going to go? Might I suggest Montana, or Canada, or Holland… you might be safer there….maybe….

Yes. We had!

For a moment we just stood there in wonder, in utter disbelief that we were free. We looked around us; no wonder no one had ever come to our aid. We appeared to be literally in the middle of nowhere.

But I won’t bore you with the unexciting details of how we made it back home.  I’ll just say that it was slow, painful (considering that we were missing some parts), and seemed to take forever. We did finally make it back home again though, and we’ve resolved to implement some serious security measures so no psycho-creepy-cannibalistic-freaks can ever get to us again.

We know we’re really lucky that we made it. Because let’s face it. What percentage of characters in horror movies usually “make it”? The survival rate is pretty pathetic.

And this brings me to a movie about some pretty unlucky ghost hunters trying to escape a haunted asylum. Unlike us, they don’t succeed very well, though not for lack of trying.

We had a significant advantage, though. At least our abductor was human. You’re pretty screwed when you’re dealing with the already dead.

Grave Encounters (2011)

Source: Fantasmo Cult Cinema Explosion

Source: Fantasmo Cult Cinema Explosion

Grave Encounters is a Canadian film by the Vicious Brothers about a group of ghost hunters who make a living embarking on otherworldly expeditions and filming their so-called “encounters” with the paranormal.

The movie is shot in found footage style, like The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, and in my opinion the Vicious Brothers do a pretty good job filming the movie so that it appears to be authentic footage.

The team, led by Lance Preston, decide to visit an abandoned asylum that is rumored be haunted by the patients and maniacal doctor who resided there years ago. However, they don’t just want to explore the place, they want themselves locked inside until dawn to see if anything goes bump in the night.

The plot isn’t a new one—several movies like House on Haunted Hill, The Haunting, 1408, and Rose Red tell the story of what happens when disbelievers spend the night locked in a supposed haunted house. In this case, though, Grave Encounters combines the foreboding haunted house theme with the crazy, deserted asylum theme, and films it as found footage, making it quite an interesting hybrid.

The haunted house story is quite overdone and the asylum haunted by crazies isn’t new either, but this movie brings something fresh to the table. The documentary-esque filming adds to the suspense of the movie. You only see what the cameraman is filming. And the camera captures the scenes of darkness in a truly terrifying light.

But back to the story.

It can come of no surprise that the team ignores all signs of impending doom, including the fact that the door they enter to get into the asylum is spray painted with the words “Death Awaits”. They’re also told by the caretaker that strange things happen inexplicably—like locked windows opening of their own accord.  But they choose to ignore these revelations.

At sunset, they are bolted inside, and they immediately start provoking the ghosts they don’t believe in in a haughty, disparaging manner. As you can imagine the ghosts don’t react well, and all hell breaks loose. What’s worse is that they end up completely turned around in an asylum-turned-labyrinth that they can’t seem to escape, try as they might.

I don’t want to give away too many details for those of you who haven’t seen the movie, which I do recommend as worth a watch. Not the scariest ghost movie I’ve ever seen, but definitely gripping. Stupid as the ghost hunters may initially be for undertaking such a crazy expedition, they do get creative with their escape tactics. But they are no match for the paranormal.

Check it out, and let us know what you think! If you like it, there’s a sequel (Grave Encounters 2) that was released in 2012.

 

We racked our brains for ideas… We had seen enough horror movies to figure out a way to get out of this mess, right? What does one do when they find themselves chained to a wall, weak from years of torture, body disfigured and missing a few semi-important body parts.  If only we could find a saw- losing a hand at this point didn’t seem so bad compared to the endless days with chains around our wrists… Or if we could somehow get ahold of a wire hanger and jab the masked man in the eye with it…

Should we try to surreptitiously steal a weapon from our captor? Unlikely. The chains would make that difficult as would the strength of the fiend, but maybe during our daily feeding, where we were unhooked from the wall, and had a small range of motion we could find something, anything, that would aid us in our escape.  Many days passed. Every day we jiggled our chains in the hopes that they would loosen, but they seemed to stay just as solid as the first day they had been clamped onto our wrists. During every feeding our eyes searched the floor for any object that could possibly give us a glimmer of hope.  As our plan seemed more and more hopeless, Rebecca whispered, “Sometimes dead is better” but I knew we couldn’t lose hope just yet. “I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf,” I replied. That seemed to perk Rebecca up, and I knew that at least for a little while longer we would live to see another day.

Finally, one night, as the moon shone in the window and alighted on the floor, something caught our eye, could this be the tool that would aid in our escape? We resolved to get ahold of it the next day and prayed all night that it would be something useful to us, and not just a trick of the eye.  Rebecca prayed, “Maybe tomorrow it’ll be our world again.”

As soon as we were given our porridge the next day, and the villain had ascended the stairs, we inched our way over to the object. At first, we were disgusted and sighed in disappointment. The object that had sparked such hope in our minds turned out to be a remnant of our captor’s dinner the night before- a shard of bone from the chunk of leg he had sawed off… but then an idea started forming in my head…. I said to Rebecca two words… “Gerald’s Game”. A glimmer of hope shone in her eye. You may know the story, a woman handcuffed to a bed by her husband during a “game”, the husband unexpectedly having a heart-attack and dying, the woman trapped… how did she get herself out again? Maybe we could do the same.

Slowly the memory of the book came back to us. It would involve a lot of pain and a lot of blood. “Oh yes, there will be blood,” I thought, but there had already been so much pain and blood, what would a little more hurt?  We resolved to do it that night. It would have to move quickly if we were to survive, but we didn’t see any other option.

After what felt like the longest day of our lives, night came, and with it the dark. I like the dark, it’s friendly, and it was especially friendly that night. The television was on as always, and luckily The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was playing, one of our favorites, but we were especially thankful for it tonight because it might just have the longest scene featuring screaming in a movie ever.

We decided to wait until this moment to make our move, as we knew that once we began our plan, we were sure to be screaming ourselves, and our screams would hopefully blend in with the movie. The time came and I volunteered to go first.

I drew the shard of bone out from its hiding place, a crack in the cement wall behind us, and I geared myself up. I gritted my teeth, and brought the bone to my wrist. The plan? Cutting into my own flesh for enough blood to flow so that I could lubricate my skin and hopefully be able to slide my hand out of the cuff. I didn’t want to cut myself so deep that I would bleed to death, but there had to be an adequate amount. Once that was done, if I couldn’t work my hand out, I would have to either sever some nerves in my hand so that my hand would be able to compress and slide out of the cuff, or if I could somehow gather enough force to slam my hand against the wall and break some bones, maybe that would work. Once one hand was out, I figured I could reach the lotion that we were forced to rub on our skin, which was now kept on a shelf above our heads, and that could lubricate my other hand and Rebecca’s hands.

The time came. I started slicing. Lightly at first and then harder. I wanted to get this over with. I began to sweat, and then whimper and them scream. Rebecca said, “Scream for your life!” And I did. The blood covered my hand, then my wrist and arm. I started twisting, and twisting and twisting. The cuff slid down a little bit and stopped. Okay, now for the hard part I thought, and laughed a little bit.

I decided a few broken fingers was better than a few severed nerves, so I slammed my hand against the wall using what little strength I had left. Again and again I threw myself against the wall and slowly the cuff slid a little more. Maybe it was the fingers I was missing, or the fact that I had lost so much weight, but my hand finally came free. I gasped for air–the  pain was so much that I was afraid I was going to pass out, but I knew I had to stay strong. A voice in my head said, “No tears, please. It’s a waste of good suffering.” That voice sounded so familiar, but somehow it was comforting… and it was right. I stretched and stretched until I felt the bottom of the bottle of lotion, and I worked my mangled hand around it, very carefully, as now would not be the time to drop it, and suddenly it was in my hand. There was only a little left, but it would hopefully be enough. I opened the bottle and squeezed a little onto my other hand and wrist and spread it around. Twisting and slamming, twisting and slamming, and then, by some miracle I was free! Hopefully this freedom was anything but a dream. I squeezed the remaining lotion on Rebecca’s hands, and with the last remnants of whatever vitality she had left, she worked her way out of her chains.

And so we escaped… slowly, painfully, we dragged our mangled bodies out of our chains, along the floor stained with the memories of our disfigurement. Passed disfigured dolls, jars filled with gruesome science experiments, piles of wallets, cell phones, and all sorts of souvenirs of his past victims. Did we dare drag ourselves up the rickety stairs that he descended everyday to inflict our daily dose of terror, or did we try to find another way out from this house of horror?

Rebecca looked up the stairs toward the door at the top and said, “I dunno what the hell’s in there, but it’s weird and pissed off, whatever it is.” And then she asked me in a quiet voice, “Was it the boogeyman?” and I answered, “As a matter of fact it was. It’s all true. The boogeyman is real and you found him.”

We looked around the room where we had spent the past couple years of our lives. Suddenly we saw it, a dusty grate in the far corner of the room. This might be our best chance, we said to ourselves. Plus, without our legs burdening us anymore, and as our bodies had become emaciated from our daily ration of disgusting, mushy gruel, we would have no problem squeezing our bodies through that small space.

It was a painstaking process, but bound by determination and hope, we made it to that possible escape hatch. We pried the cover off with a dull knife that had been left on the far side of the floor, a forgotten artifact from an earlier torture. The passageway was covered in spiderwebs and reeked with a stench of mildew, ammonia, and some other scent that we couldn’t quite place. I debated going in–you know I’m terrified of spiders–but we decided to take our chances with those hideous creatures. At least death by spider bite would be less painful, and if they decided to bind us up in their webs and drain the life-force from our bodies, if would still be preferable to watching our flesh be slowly eaten by a madman.

And so we entered the dark tunnel that would hopefully lead us to freedom. Laboriously we pulled ourself along the passage, and finally, after what seemed like hours upon hours, we saw a faint glimmer of light.

Could we have finally reached freedom?!

Back from the Grave

Posted: March 24, 2013 by Rebecca in Uncategorized

We’re baaaaack!

Where have we been, you may wonder, since the last you heard from us was back in 2010. Funny you should ask….

You see, we’ve been stuck in a bit of a horror movie of our own. As it turns out, all our horror movie blogging got us in some trouble. For three long years we were hidden away from the world by a lunatic living out somewhere in the boonies of…we’re still not quite sure.

How did this happen to two girls so well versed in signs of horror on the horizon? We don’t fully understand it either. We don’t ever say, “We’ll be right back”. Nor do we do drugs. We don’t investigate strange things that go bump in the night, or run up the stairs when we should be running out the front door. We thought we were foolproof. And maybe that’s where we made our error. Our confidence may have made us let our guards down a little too much. We got careless.

It was Halloween of 2010, our favorite day of the year, of course. We were on our way home from an awesome costume party and were looking forward to watching a few of our horror favorites. Emily was super-excited to watch the original Halloween.  She doesn’t let a year go by without watching it. I had to watch Night of the Living Dead. Old, yes. Black and white, check. Not really much gore or suspense, but still surprisingly creepy in its simplicity.

Anyway, we were planning to watch the movies at Emily’s place. But before we could do that, we had to take her dog outside quickly–he’d been cooped up inside for hours. As Emily went to open the door to step outside, a figure came barging through the door and knocked us both out cold.

When we awoke, we were in a strange, dank, dark place. It appeared to be a basement from what we could see. The only light was the moonlight streaming in through a small high window. At first we thought it was all a dream, but then we realized–this is no dream! This is really happening!

We realized pretty quickly that we were up you-know-what creek without a paddle. We were chained by our wrists to a cement wall, our hands above our heads. We were no longer in costume, but in long, old-fashioned white gowns.

Surprisingly, we weren’t gagged. Whoever had taken us didn’t exactly seem to be concerned about us being heard. We screamed anyway–it’s an impulse when you realize you’re trapped and tethered. We screamed, but no one came.

Minutes crawled by. They felt like hours. The only sounds were those of our thumping hearts and water leaking through a hole in the ceiling. Turning to Emily I said, “Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep.”

Neither of us slept. The terror-fueled adrenaline we felt kept us both awake, though we were exhausted and sore.

Finally, we saw another light. The door at the top of the decrepit wooden stairs leading out of the basement opened and a dark figure descended the stairs heavily. Slowly.

“Why the hell are you doing this to us?” we shouted as he approached. “I am your number one fan,” was the response. He continued to come closer, and as he walked through the light cast by the moon, we saw he was wearing a mask. Now, I’ve seen enough horror movies to know any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly, I don’t care if he says he’s our number one fan.

“You’re sick and you’re insane!” I snarled at him. It’s never a good idea to provoke a lunatic who’s got the advantage of freedom on his side. But I was scared and enraged, and it seemed like a good idea to show him we weren’t cowards.

“We all go a little mad sometimes,” he said. Hmm, why did that sound so familiar? Wasn’t that in a movie we saw recently, I thought foggily. But my fear was starting to creep in and my mind turned to jelly.

“I like to dissect girls. Did you know I’m utterly insane?” he continued. “We’re gonna be French fries,” Emily blurted out. “Human French fries!”

Wrong thing to say. Before either us could utter another word, he walked over to the wall across the room and came back with some tools of torture. In his left hand he held a large serving fork, in his right, a rusty carving knife.

He stood in front of me and squatted down looking me in the face with his creepy mask. Did I mention it was much like the one in V for Vendetta? He wore no shirt and absolutely reeked of urine, sweat, and…some type of animal?

He raised the fork up in front of my face so that it was mere inches from my nose, leering at me with that creepy masked grin. With amazing speed and force, he lifted the fork above his head and plunged it into my calf. I screamed in excruciation and Emily screamed right along with me. He sunk the carving knife into my leg and cut through flesh and tendon right down to the bone. Through my tears I watched him slice and slice..and then lift the raw meat to his lips, chewing on my flesh.

Emily watched on as he took a bite and swallowed. She’s got a bit of a weak stomach, and its contents ended up right on the cement floor. This quickly caught his attention. He stood up again and walked back over to the wall, rifling through some items in a blue milk crate.

He walked back and stooped down in front of Emily, handing her a bottle of…lotion? “It rubs the lotion on its skin,” he told her. Through my pain, again I thought–where have I heard that before?

She did as she was told. “Who are you?” she asked. “Why are you doing this to us if you’re our number one fan?” Fair question.

“I am the devil,” he responded. “And I am here to do the devil’s work.”

It was then that I passed out.

I don’t know how long we were stuck down in that basement. I know the moon and sun rose and fell, rose and fell, rose and fell. It all turned into a blur. Snow fell. Then it didn’t. Months passed. Snow fell again.

We endured unspeakable pain. We were not allowed to bathe. We were given some disgusting type of porridge and some water once a day. Sounds pretty terrible, right? But we WERE allowed one thing after months of good behavior (whatever that means).

One day he opened the door to the basement and grunted as he carried something heavy down the stairs. He walked over to the wall where the milk crate still sat. He set down the large object and tossed the contents of the blue crate aside. He turned the crate upside down, and lifted the object onto it. He reached around behind the object and plugged a cord into the wall, and then there was light!  There was sound and there were images. He’d brought us a TV!  How kind of him to think of us. He might be a psychotic oaf with cannibalistic tendencies, but he didn’t want us to be bored. And we were relieved–all this time, we’d been thinking how nice it would be if he’d just let us go…and how nice it would be if we could get back to our horror movie obsession. Now, we had all day and all night to watch horror movies. Maybe things weren’t so bad after all!

We watched in a daze hour upon hour, day upon day. He’d come downstairs sometimes and beat us or play his favorite game: slice and dice. We endured it…we watched the blood spill.

But one day as we watched our umpteenth movie, we realized we needed to get ourselves the hell out of that basement. The “Devil” had filleted our legs in a most grotesque fashion over the months, had eaten a few fingers and lobbed off an ear. If we didn’t do something soon, there’d be nothing left of us!

We finally realized: it was time to nut up or shut up! We needed a plan, and a good one. Maybe we could take a cue from a scene in one of the many horror movies we’d been watching…

We’ll tell you the rest in the next installment…

Well, this is a very special “Willies Wednesday” because the topic that I am talking about today is something that doesn’t actually give me the willies, but rather gives one of my brothers the willies, and I definitely used this knowledge to my advantage growing up.  You see, my brother Jeremy is claustrophobic.  He hates small places including RVs, and tents.  We went camping A LOT when we were young as it’s one of my dad’s favorite activities, and whereas I didn’t much care for it because of all the bugs, and dirt, and boring food, one of Jeremy’s main qualms with this activity was having to sleep in a small tent at night.  This led to many nights where I was jarringly awoken by Jeremy’s frantic screams, as he clawed at the tent looking for a way out.

I chuckle about this every now and then when I think about it.  Yes, I am a bad, bad person.  This is not what I want to talk about today though, but rather another cruel thing that I did to play on Jeremy’s fear.  I’m talking about the dreaded blanket over the head.  Now it seems innocent enough, but apparently when you have claustrophobia, this is not so fun, and I found this out pretty early on.  As I thought it was hilarious to scare my brother, I would sneak up on him with a blanket, throw it over his head, and then hold it there while he screamed and pleaded with me to take it off.

I would leave it on for a little while to get the maximum effect, and then finally I would release him, and promptly scamper off, as he would chase me once recovered, which was remarkably quickly.  Here’s how it would go:  I put the blanket on his head, he screamed, I let him go, he ran after me, I would hide somewhere.  If he caught up with me he would usually punch me, and if he was able to do this, he would then run and lock himself up somewhere.  This could go on for quite a while.  We were cruel, cruel children.  Don’t go thinking that I was the only bad guy here though- he also knew my fears and would take advantage of them, such as the time he threw a spider at me (yes, I do have arachnophobia).

Stop-motion animation  and claymation give me the willies.  You know the Rudolph the Reindeer special that everyone loves to watch around Christmas time?  Well, instead of giving me a feeling of joy and happiness, it instead makes me want to cover my eyes with my hands, and run out of the room screaming in terror.  I of course hold this in, as I do not want the others around me to know how much this animation petrifies me.  I have endured this for far too long, and it is time to come clean- so here it is- stop-motion animation is freakin’ scary!!!!  I don’t find it cute, or endearing, instead it scares me more than most horror movies.  Why you ask?  Did I have some kind of traumatic experience in childhood that led to this irrational fear?  Not that I know of.  But maybe it stems from my early childhood viewings of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, especially the animated Santa Clause who I found to be more cruel than jolly.

I seem to have a weird emotional connection to cartoon animals (so in this case stop-motion animals), and in this case I even had an emotional connection to the poor elf, who just wants to be a dentist.  Santa Clause seems like such a miserly old curmudgeon, and is also quite prejudiced against red-nosed reindeers.  He is just extremely unpleasant, and he only accepts Rudolph when he sees that he can get something out of Rudolph’s deformity.  So I’m thinking my fear may stem from this cruel stop-motion Santa Clause, and it just branched out from there, growing into a full out stop-motion-phobia.  Now this fear seems to be confined to claymation and stop-motion animation such as Rudolph the Red-Nosed ReindeerSanta Clause is Coming to Town, James and the Giant Peach and the like, and has not branched into  traditional animation.  It seems to be a more specialized fear.  So there you have it- stop-motion animation gives me the willies!!

I have a feeling this is going to come back to haunt me next Christmas where my brothers will decide to lock me in a room with a non-stop stop-motion-athon that they have set up to play on the television from which I will be unable to escape….